The Difficulties of Right Speech

Hi everyone,

A newsletter inspired by the precept of right speech and how damn difficult it is to keep. But first some notices:

Every Wednesday evening we host Buddhist practice both here in person and online. The online sessions swap between being streamed from the shrine room, and our exclusive online only sessions. Our next online only practice session is Wednesday 20th March at 7:30pm UK time. Check out all the details and get the Zoom link on our calendar.

We have two book groups coming up soon. Frankie is leading an online group through reading Zen in Challenging times, and our in person group will be studying Dharma Breeze, led by Dave here at the temple. Both running on Monday evenings from 8th April. Check out the details here or drop me a line.

Years ago I was chatting about ‘trigger warnings’ with Sundari, a dear friend and Buddhist colleague. Trigger warnings had been in the news headlines, and opinion columns were full of pieces about them. Should we include them? Did the warning spoil what was coming next? Would the warning itself be a trigger for some people?

Sundari taught immigration law to big lecture halls full of students. She told me one piece of advice she’d received that she’d always appreciated, “There’s always one in the room.”

Teaching immigration law meant sharing case studies, which meant sharing stories of real peoples difficult journeys’ to the UK and the traumatic experiences that motivated their leaving. “There’s always one in the room” reminded Sundari that in a room full of one hundred students, there was almost certainly someone listening who had experienced something like the trauma she would be describing in the case study.

It reminded her to be careful with her words.

Care is at the centre of right speech. Right speech is an invitation to keep the well-being of the listener in mind.

Different listeners have different needs, and we have our own needs as well. This is why right speech is so difficult.

We have explicit guidance for sharing in our listening circles. It’s pretty good guidance for most situations: speak from your own experience, and don’t give advice. Speaking from our own experience tends to lessen judgements, generalisations and harmful speech. “This is what happened and this is how it left me feeling” is a pretty good way of sharing.

At the same time, if we want to talk about systems of oppression (and we should talk about these systems) generalisations are helpful tools. How is it to be a woman? a person of colour? a queer person? Oppressed groups experience the same kinds of oppression and aggression over and over again and it’s important to highlight that. That inevitably means speaking in generalisations. The danger is that generalisations obscure complexity. A general rule is not true in all cases, or not true to the same degree in all cases.

If I’m speaking about my experience of being queer to a straight-cis person it’s helpful for me to remember that this individual will have their own particular mix of being oppressed and being the oppressor. They are a unique person and the general rule will not be completely true.

And if I’m listening from the position of the oppressor - as a white person, say - then I should keep in mind both that the generalisations are not personal and also that I will almost certainly be contributing to the system of oppression in some ways.

And I know that it gets so tiring having to consider the feelings of the oppressor. This is why having listening spaces for specific groups is so important. When I share in a queer listening circle I can both share from my own experience and speak in generalisations without worrying that I’ll then have to be around a straight-cis person’s upset at what I’ve shared.

Keeping all of this in mind is difficult. Can we remember the wisdom of sharing from our own experience, the importance of highlighting systems of oppression, the danger of speaking in generalisations, the danger of taking generalisations personally and that ‘there’s always one in the room’?

We should try. We won’t manage it all the time. When we don’t, these are opportunities for learning and reflection. As Bob Ross said, “As long as you are learning you are not failing.”